2011: Of love, loss, and everything

I am using the downtime here at the office (finally, no deadlines to beat in the coming days and no concerns to handle a to the sap ) to come up with a blog post because, well, I have been neglecting this so-called “personal blog” as well as the “writing bug”; it’s been the start of the year and I am trying to wrap my head around the things that happened and the consequences thereof; and lastly, I have been feeling down the dumps lately and I am trying to get a hold on things without going bonkers. Allow me to be, in the common parlance, over acting because of inexplicable, overwhelming occurrences.

I don’t even know where to begin. Here’s a weird, and pardon the nonsense, musing: I wish though that I don’t box things according to a certain period, a year, a month or a week, that each milestone, situation, or event is, at the top of my head, measured, described, or known by the general feeling or emotion. I don’t want to commit the year 2011 into my memory as the year of knowing loss, and trying to find acceptance. Time, linear as I perceive it be, goes on, but all these emotions should stand apart; that I could just pick on the broken pieces whenever I find it necessary, and they don’t have to there – present and persistent.

I hope I am making sense; what I do on an every day basis is methodical, systematic, and rational. My head has a mental tick box of things to accomplish and the working frameworks they are in; the approaches and methodologies are basic as desktop review and budget preparations are commonplace. All these run even until nighttime and weekends that I forget how I feel; that wallowing in despair is not personally allowed. One has to just work it – and get over it – at the soonest. Loss, regret, and everything else are in the fringes, occupying the in-between hours of lying down in your bed and waking up the next day. And they’re not even settled; just awaiting for the next available time to be recognized again.

Does it make any sense? So is someone’s decision not to reveal her physical state. It takes a lot of courage for one person not to disclose any information, even to family and friends, about the nearness of death and the infallibility of health. So are the confusion and the helplessness, the loss and the emotional tribulations that ensue. How do you get over grief? Months pass by, and no one has ever gotten over it. “When will it end?, I ask. But there are those who refuse, that they live with the fact, past, present and future, that they are experiencing loss and that there is not seem an end to it. How do you assuage someone who has not experienced anything like this before and has still to develop a coping mechanism?

All the while, I have been trying to come up with escape strategies, to leave some things behind for the timebeing, and to be in another reality which is inherently different. There has not been any success lately, plans fell through, and there is a valid reason why the universe conspires against all these concocted strategies. There’s a need to tackle related-concerns head on. It may hurt, the equivalent of a doctor’s prognosis, but the process is necessary. There’s nothing practical about causing delay – or deliberately setting it. Now, where do we go from here? It’s scary, to be honest. I am bracing myself for what fate, in the loosest sense, holds. In moments that are nothing but ordinary, you get to bring forth the extraordinary – the concept of God and bargaining with Him even.

How do I want my 2012 to unfold? Health, Family, Love, Friends, Career, and Others seem to be the order of things. The grocery list of things – trivial at the most – that I want to accomplish are now secondary. Sure, this one on the bucket list is tantalizing enough, but do I really need to accomplish it? The last time I checked there is no expiration date mentioned on the list. I would not mind this and that be achieved in two or three years time. I turned 26 last year, and in four years, I’ll be 30. My late 20s shall be about strengthening what I currently have right now and finding balance in spite of, despite of.

Oh, Hello

Somewhere in the blogosphere, while blog hopping during those few times I could squeeze in a few minutes of online dickery, I stumbled upon this tumblr entry:

 I GOT SOME FRIENDS WHO

1) Don’t wait for publishers to “validate” their work/Don’t need the validation of number-crunchers.

2) Have seen the world because they goddamn wanted to, because their will was that strong.

3) Are living their dream because it was theirs to begin with and they know no other way.

4) Use words like “purpose” and “exciting” and “adventure” when speaking of their lives. Not words like “work commute” or “bored to death by my girlfriend” or “because I have to.”

5) Do exactly what they say they’re going to do.

These are the people I love best. These are the ones I aspire to be like.

I’m not there yet, but I’m trying.

PART 2, I GOT SOME FRIENDS WHO

1) Stopped reading once they got a phone. (When you’re on your death bed the one thing you’ll regret more than anything are the collected  months of time you wasted sitting around pecking at your phone keys.)

2) Hate the place they live but refuse to go elsewhere.

3) Couldn’t run if they were chased.

4) See their TV screen more than they see the sun.

5) Type on their phone while you’re talking to them.

6) Don’t know how to be alone with themselves.

7) Use the words “I’m bored” more than “We should.”

8 ) Gave up.

9) Are rotting.

10) Forgot the dreams they had back when their hearts still beat like wild machines.

-Adam Gnade

 

Shameless Plugging

On my bucket list, a random listing of all things I want to accomplish and try at least once in my life, from shaving my head to making an elaborate prank, are – drum rolls, please – my travel wishes. Witness the run of the bulls in Pamplona, si! Walk along the old paths in Paris, oui! Take a train ride across China, yes please.

If I could only live and breathe travel 24/7 and 365 days a year, then so be it! I would love to set foot out of my comfort zone, take delight in the misadventures I bring myself into, meet local people, and even get lost while on the road, among others. I would not mind having tired feet, aching muscles, sun burn, chapped lips and all.

Like a rolling stone that gathers no moss. That is what I want to be when I grow up. (I am a twenty-something wannabe drifter and on-the-go backpacker, by the way.) Virtual breaks and travel plans occupy my waking life, and I attribute it all to a big mole on the sole of my left foot and an itching desire to see the world.

Where I am from, it is tropical sunshine and monsoon rains all year round. Thus, I want to experience snow, hail, or sleet and dig my toes into the desert sands and ancient ruins. Basking in the beauty of nature as well as being in a new culture is a welcome and wonderful respite that I would not not pass up in my life.

Please get rid of me as I am sick and tired of the daily drudgery: always waking up on the wrong side of the bed; a thankless day job and still moonlighting at night; an hour-long commute from home to office; riding a train full of sweaty bodies every workday, and all the crazy nuances of living in a third world.

My family, friends, and foes want to get rid of me, too. I whine to anyone who cares to listen; get rid of emotional vampires and energy suckers; blackmail family members without guilt; pretend-listen to someone’s pfffft thought bubbles; and always bring myself into socially awkward situations.

A free trip for two in 18 countries for six months will be my biggest escape strategy yet! Please do not let it be a pipe dream, okay? I will be a happy camper anywhere you send me. All I need are my backpack, camera, and of course, my notebook where I could write down a travelogue!

Maybe I have rubbed you the wrong way, annoyed you by my mere presence, became your frenemy, or have stolen your crayons at school. Please get rid of me by clicking the vote button here. I want to win Get Rid of Me! This is your chance! So, click that vote button to be able to heave a sigh of relief.

Oh, hello there

Hi blog, how you been? How’s life treating you?

I love this awesome, awesome photo stream over at flickr. I wish I have the discipline to do something on a regular basis outside of the daily drudgery called work, of course. The (fake) moleskine notebook I got last Christmas is already tattered from use and misuse, its pages bearing everything imaginable: notes to self, grocery lists, weekly budget, meeting agenda, floor plans, names, dates, bank account numbers, quotes and more quotes, what-to-do, where-to-go and how-to-get around, travel itineraries, foreign phrases, and unintelligible journal entries. Nothing that inspires nostalgia. Just plain tacky, tsk tsk.

I have got some things to say, but it seems like the words are lodged on my throat.

Jascon Castro!

Jason Castro Live at Glorietta 5, Makati City

1. It all started with a text message from Trish one ordinary night, while riding a sardine-like, testosterone-filled train, on my way home.

“Lenay! Jason Castro will be in Glorietta 5 on March 19, 2010, Friday, at 6PM.”

I did not know that my favorite TV show contestant (You, too, Team BJ and Tyler. Ok?) would be coming here from the other side of the globe. I was ecstatic, grinning from ear to ear, and looking like a fool. I would have jumped for joy, really, if it were not for the sweaty crowd around me. Rhea, who was with me that time, had to put up with my oh-so-joyous mood. But a pact was agreed upon: She will be watching Jason Castro’s show with me.

2. In 2008, I was the biggest Jason Castro fan. I had even let it all out to friends and the blogosphere. An excerpt of which appears here:

“Jason Castro, just in case you do some ego surfing, you should know that I stalled time in order to watch you live on the boob tube this week. Worse, I cannot stop myself from watching your YouTube videos, from checking random facts about you in the interweb, from browsing fan sites galore, and from ogling your pictures. Even the semi-nekkid ones. You know, I get to practice my savvy internet research skills because of you. And that isn’t my definition of cool.” Letting it all out

3. And so last Friday, after a week-long training in Sorsogon province, a panic attack induced by our boss, and a one-hour plane ride from Legaspi City, Rhea and I went to see Jason Castro perform live at Glorietta 5 Atrium in Makati City.  Seriously, it was a much needed respite – my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, an icing on the cake, and all that cheesy clichés – from the week that was

Rhea and I had no “privileged” tickets which would have allowed us to be seated right in front of the stage. Our chosen spot – at the back of a big plant box – allowed us to see him quite up close though.  There, on our oh-so-great vantage position, we sang along to Hallelujah, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, tracks from his Love Uncompromised EP, and his latest single – Let’s Just Fall In Love Again.

4. Thanks to my copy of his EP, which came with a poster, I was able to fall in line, get his autograph, and have a one-minute encounter with him. I was thinking of a witty statement to say (Or should I have given him a hug or planted a kiss on his cheek instead?), but oh well, here’s Jason Castro and the bouncers, big and scary, were saying “Hurry up!” All I had mustered to say were:

Fan girl: “Hi Jason! Can we have our picture taken? That’s my friend over there. At the back.”
Jason Castro: “Oh, but really quick.”

Rhea managed to take a few decent pictures. Quite candid, actually. Before I knew it, another fan girl behind me has stepped up and it was my time to exit the stage. I did not even have the chance to say “Good bye!” or “Thank you! Or hear more of his Texan accent, get to touch his dreadlocks, and stare at his blue eyes, among other things. Oh well, I am asking too much. Haha

More pictures here.

Chowtime at Chinatown

Manila’s Chinatown is teeming with odds and ends, cafes and eateries I wish it’s just a stone’s throw away. Travel to Binondo from Quezon City is such a bummer, however.

My friend Yannie and I went there on a Saturday, and we ate go kong, a stew of broth and meat, fried pork meat balls, and shrimp siomai at Mezzanine Cafe, a volunteer firemen’s coffeeshop.

More pictures here.

Currently at Liberty

I welcomed Valentines/Single Awareness Day, at liberty but with friends, in a field full of big, beautiful balloons. Up, up and away they go.

Later in the afternoon, we went to Zoobic Safari and shared a moment with roaring tigers. Incidentially, 2010 is the year of the Metal Tiger.

More pictures at the online photo fridge.

Random Scribbles

Date: December 22, 2009 / 3:00 PM
Location: The Office
Mood: Awake
Music: Married with Children – Oasis

Woke up this morning after a good night’s sleep, donned a pretty preppy get-up, and drank a glass of milk. What a good way to start the day. Tomorrow is my last day here at the office, and I am excited more than sad or worried. Tasks for the day: delete documents and pictures on my desktop computer, put my personal effects on a plastic bag, and accomplish what remains on my to-do list: update actual and potential site trackers, follow up on Memorandum of Agreements, check files and folders on Central; and guess what – create a greeting card, filled with fake holiday cheer, and blast it on everyone’s email! Seriously.

I missed blogging, having neglected the keyboard drama for a while. Work, life, and everything else in between got in the way. Also, 2009 brought out the best and the worst, and I can’t wait for the New Year to start. The good: lots of places visited in the Philippines, thanks to that four-letter word called work and  of course, awesome kaladkarin friends; acquisition of a camera, a Nikon D40; and fun, fun times. The bad: dealing with government bureaucracy and the long delays; long processing of my salary and the consequences thereof; and moments of frustration. I cannot wait to bring the groove back once 2009 ends.

Date: February 5, 2010 / 11:36 AM
Location: The Office
Mood: Sick
Music: Drone of the Aircon Unit

What I should be doing now is finish the growing number of project proposals (eight, as of today) demanded by my new boss, but that could wait. My brain needs a rest, my stomach waits for food, and I haven’t fully wrapped my head around the project ideas. Poor sucker. News alert: I am now on my second month at my new job. After a year and a half stint at a government agency, I willingly accepted a project staff position at a non-government organization. I am taking an experimental approach in my professional life, I guess. Private, government, non-government, full time, freelance. What’s left for me, eh? Hmmm…

My throat hurts from coughing and I sound like a man. It is horrible. I need to have a medical checkup because my health is fucked-up. Healthy living is what I aim for this year. New Year resolutions: No nicotine (just once, though, with Jane weeks ago), alcohol (not even a drop), caffeine (Gah, I have to stop drinking coffee, but how could I fight after lunch funk?), junk food, etc. Also, I started my jogging-around-the-academic-oval-every-Sunday-afternoon project. Last Sunday, I have accomplished a surprising feat: I was able to jog without experiencing wheezing and palpitations.  So far, so good, anemia, don’t act up on me again.

Lovely Speech

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned.

So given a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.

From Harvard Magazine

Rest in Peace

“If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.” The Catcher in the Rye, opening lines, spoken by Holden Caulfield

Mr.  Salinger, you will be remembered.